Thursday, September 30, 2010

Yellaphant Rant: the existence of "Cougar Town"

There is a show that I hate more than any other show currently on television. It succinctly sums up everything that is wrong with America in each one-hour episode and leaves me feeling frustrated, slightly enraged and rather hostile towards my fellow man, kind of like the way you might feel after witnessing a carney beating an elephant. And that show is "Cougar Town." Ugh. Just writing that title makes me shudder.

B and I discovered this show accidentally. We're in love with "Modern Family." We want to kiss it and stroke it and take it to bed. But after "Modern Family" comes "Cougar Town." Again, ugh. When the series first started, we didn't change the channel out of laziness and curiosity. But our curiosity quickly morphed into pure contempt. It's not well written. The characters are underdeveloped cut-outs. And it's based in Florida and I'm pretty sure the only people who live in Florida are semi-senile blue hairs in Hawaiian shirts, people missing one or more front teeth and those lost souls of high school theater groups who work at Disney World. But apparently there's also a budding population of cougars that I was unaware of. And let me tell you, with a husband who teaches tennis as a profession, I do not find cougars entertaining.

And yet ... Every week we don't change the channel. Every week while the "Modern Family" credits roll, B and I begin our preparation ritual:

"YES! Our favorite show is coming on next!"

"I don't know how I survived all week without Cougar Town."

"I can't wait to hear what catchy jokes and nutty situations they're going to delve into this episode!"

"Oh Courtney Cox. Just, oh."

And with every sentence, the aggression in our voices rises. I hate every actor involved in this show. The dumb blond. The idiot ex-husband. The slutty 40-something. Courtney Cox? More like Courtney Cocks. HA. Get it? Oh GAH, I really hope there is a drag queen somewhere in America with that name.

The script is pathetic. The jokes are trying harder than that kid in your freshman year class who desperately wanted to be funny but his untimely comments were either a) inappropriate b) slightly racist or c) just so plain not funny that his presence at a party just made everyone cringe and feel sort of sad.

B likes to count out loud every joke or catch phrase that you know the writers go to bed praying will be the next big thing. People love catch phrases. I spend the entire week quoting "30 Rock" catch phrases at inappropriate times after every episode. Last season I would walk around the house screaming, "that's a deal breaker, ladies!" after every time B didn't flush the toilet, left a fork in the sink, or threw a dirty sock at my face. Well I've got news for you, Cougar Town: YOU WILL NEVER BE FUNNY ENOUGH TO QUOTE. And in case you were wondering, there were four failed attempts in last night's episode. Four. We know this because we watched it, of course.

Last night, B and I were discussing why, exactly, we just can't turn away, despite the fact that we hate it. From the deepest fibers of our beings, we just hate it. And why, exactly, does a stupid show engender so much emotion from us? There's a shit ton of stupid television shows on. And you know what we do? We just don't watch them. We're barely even aware of their existence. And even though we consider "Cougar Town" to be the creme de la creme of the stupid shows, we just can't turn it off. It's our Kryptonite. The Ronnie to our Sammie, if you will.

Simple. We love to hate it. We actually like the way it engenders emotion in us. It's like staying in an abusive relationship because deep down inside, we kind of like it when our proverbial boyfriend slams our proverbial head into the proverbial wall. We like the pain. Like when Ronnie got a tattoo after hooking up with mad chicks and their breasts out at the clerb because he hurt Sammie so he "needed to feel pain." [Ed note: Two Ronnie-Sammie "Jersey Shore" references in two paragraphs? I am on FIRE today.] Like how I like the gag reflex that happens when I watch Jersey Shore. [THREE!1!] And we like that we can hate something so totally idiotic and trivial.

It's not like hating a political figure or a societal problem. Eliminating the existence of "Cougar Town" is not going to lower the murder rate or boost employment or fight poverty or make us all forget about Sarah Palin. It doesn't matter if we give a shit. And frankly, for two people who give a lot of shit, it's nice to not have to. It's exactly like how you check the Facebook pages of the people you dislike just as much if not more than the people you're actually friends with just so you can kindle your vehement dislike a little bit more. No? Just me? Okay then, moving on.

We can hate "Cougar Town" to our little hearts' content! And we love it! It's liberating! Next thing you know, I'm not going to be wearing any underwear to work ON PURPOSE. Now THAT'S livin', baby!


Becky Mochaface said...

The name is the most offensive part to me. If only they had changed it. Maybe I would actually watch it.

LiLu said...

I've never seen it... but I think you just convinced me to watch. Uh oh.

Bridget said...

@LiLu I take no responsibility for your rage.

rory said...

I've never seen it- but what's the matter with scrunchy crinkly old women wanting to hook up with hot young muscular studs?
I mean, you know, except for the acting.

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