Last night I spent quite some time watching Ace of Cakes. It's freakishly addicting. If you've never seen it, these cakes are WORKS OF ART. They are extravagant and beautiful and probably delicious but I've never heard anyone talk about how they taste because how could you possibly EAT something that amazing? It'd be like eating an endangered species or the Mona Lisa or that pretty girl who sits in front of you in statistics class that you're too afraid to talk to but perfectly content to stare at for 40 minutes every day.
There's librarian cakes and birthday cakes and wedding cakes and cowboy cakes and goth cakes and puppy cakes and and flower cakes and truck cakes and bacon cakes and Chuck Taylor cakes and armadillo cakes and Loyola College cakes and bird cakes and traditional Chinese painting cakes and and and and and and I'm sorry I slipped into a temporary sugar coma at the thought of all those cakes.
And watching all these cakes come to life with sugar and flour and tools and sugar paint and sometimes wood got me thinking about the type of cake Charm City Cakes would create if their job was to make a Yellaphant cake.
How many layers would there be? One for every neurosis? How about a layer of irony, some sarcasm, delusion, and a small layer of humor? Would there be poop involved? Maybe some tampons, a pair or two of underwear, some squirrels, an insane dog, and lots of beer. Definitely lots of beer. When you put it that way, this Yellaphant cake sounds more like a crack addict's apartment on a Sunday morning than a delicious work of art. Not very tasty at all. And certainly not pretty.
P.S. I might have fallen asleep on the couch at the end of Ace of Cakes last night and when I woke up when B came home he was all what are you WATCHING? Because at this point some old dude in an ugly shirt was on TV talking about spices and then B was all how OLD are you? 80? And I was all I WAS WATCHING CAKES I LOVE CAKES but at that point I'm pretty sure he already forgot what we were talking about because he was drunk and rolling on the floor with the dog.
P.P.S. After thinking about cakes for the past 20 minutes I'm so hungry I can't stop thinking about slamming my face into a huge pile of baked goods. Now I can't wait to go to lunch so I can eat some of those cookies I made the other night even though they are totally not as good as my usual cookies because I had to bake them on cheap IKEA cookie sheets which DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE, B. I MAKE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.
P.P.P.S. MAYBE IF YOU GOT ME SOME PAMPERED CHEF COOKIE SHEETS THEY'D BE AS GOOD AS YOUR MOTHER'S.
P.P.P.P.S. JUST SHUT UP.