Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Now I'm totally not allowed to watch TV unsupervised

I guess it's not really a secret that I love infomercials that promise products that clean the shit out of your house. And by clean the shit out of it, I don't mean literally clean up the poop, because unless you're me or Well Read Hostess, I don't really know why you have poop in your house to begin with. What I mean is clean it like it's never been cleaned before.

Anyway. The other day I was straightening up the cluttered apartment with the television on. And as I'm hanging up various articles of clothing and trying -- in vain -- to fit them into our too-small, overly-stuffed, hole in my bedroom wall that cannot possibly really be considered a closet, a commercial for the Wonder Hanger flashed across the TV screen. And the Wonder Hanger man is all TRIPLE YOUR CLOSET SPACE! WRINKLE FREE! ORGANIZED! for only $9.99! At which point I dropped the wrinkled pile at my feet and sprinted to my computer with my credit card because I WANT TO HAVE THAT.

And I'm so excited because as soon as my Wonder Hangers get here, I will have TRIPLED my closet space and who doesn't need three times more space? And then when B came home later that afternoon and I told him how I had just changed our lives FOREVER, he was all I am marrying the smartest girl in the world what the feck is the matter with you?

I am totally not sharing my Wonder Hangers with him.

So after my ShamWows and now my Wonder Hangers I've decided that maybe it's not normal for someone under the age of 72 who doesn't live in rural Illinois to be buying things from infomercials, no matter how much they will change your life for cheap.

But then a few days later, I was totally minding my own business when my mom e-mailed me to tell me she just saw a commercial for Celebrity Sexy Teeth for $49.99 with a $50 mail in rebate and she bought it. And I was all that is so fecked up. Who's teeth did you buy? Mel Gibson's? Tina Turner's? And she's all no no no, it's whitener so my teeth will be celebrity sexy teeth FOR FREE. And who doesn't want celebrity sexy teeth for free?

So I bought that too. $50 rebate, betchessss. And when I told B about that one, he was like you are NEVER allowed to watch TV unsupervised ever again and I was all pshh add it to the list of things I'm not allowed to do unsupervised but you'll be sorry when my teeth are so much sexier than yours that I'll be forced to dump you because my teeth will be out of your league. And then he just looked at me because he knows I'm totally serious.


Hilary said...

Oh I cannot even wait to see the hangers. And the Sexy Teeth. Please do show us both. I will laugh if someone gets mad at your "only dumb people from rural IL buy this crap" comment. I thought it was funny.

The Cotton Wife said...

I picture the Celebrity Sex Teeth as being like those Redneck teeth you can buy... except not bucked and stained. Maybe - I guess it depends on the celebrity, huh?

RuthWells said...

too sexy for my teeeeeeeeeth......
too sexy for my teeeeeeeeeth...."

Conor said...


hippo brigade said...

NO Way! I want sexy celebrity teeth! Oh, did you see the Jesus Christ sponge video? But be careful... make sure you're supervised when you watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsTLUSMOgas

Bridget said...
This comment has been removed by the author.


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